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Delinquency Quiz for Phish Fans (or others)

Posted 2 years ago by Icculus - 139 comments Link: http://phi.sh/b/509a6d1c

Phish fans frequently get generalized-about, ignorantly, by the media. Are we a bunch of delinquents? Take this basic 15-question quiz to see if the media is right about YOU.

If appropriate, select multiple answers, because you get points for each answer choice other than (A).

If you cannot truthfully answer any of a question's answer choices, because you can't recall or otherwise, you get ZERO points for that question.

Please COMMENT with your (honest) scores so that we can demonstrate convincingly to all readers that at least online Phish fans are law-abiding, conscientious, and courteous citizens, who genuinely care about the public welfare.

A = zero points.
B = one (1) point.
C = two (2) points.
D = three (3) points.
E = four (4) points.

(Maximum of ten (10) points per question.)


Did you ever smoke?

A. No.
B. Yes, cigarettes.
C. Yes, weed.
D. Yes, bath salts.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever beg or pray to G_d (or Allah or IT or Icculus) to get you out of trouble just this once?

A. No.
B. Yes, more than once.
C. Yes, while in police custody.
D. Yes, while in jail/prison.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever host a touring rock band in your home?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, and I received a lesson on [instrument(s), including vacuum, washboard, and/or bag-vac].
D. Yes, and my family lost our home as a result.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever vomit on a law enforcement officer, an attorney, and/or a Judge? (Not including yourself if you are a cop, attorney or Judge.)

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, at least twice.
D. Yes, and I got extra time in jail/prison for it.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever detonate a series of explosive devices?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, and I permanently disfigured myself.
D. Yes, and I permanently disfigured two or more people.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever steal money from your parents in order to buy illegal drugs?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, at least $500.
D. Yes, and they found out about it and had me arrested.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever get so drunk you literally went blind?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, and I was driving at the time.
D. Yes, and I regained consciousness in a hospital, handcuffed to the bed.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever have sex on your parents' bed?

A. No.
B. Yes, more than once.
C. Yes, and I still live at home.
D. Yes, and I have been caught doing so by one or both of my parents.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever sell drugs?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, to an undercover cop.
D. Yes, and I went to jail/prison for it.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever set fire to, and/or steal, a car?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, and (at least) once it was a police car.
D. Yes, and I was so drunk I didn't realize there were people inside it.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever run from the police?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, at least three times.
D. Yes, and I spent extra time in jail/prison because of it.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever have sex in a school and/or a house of worship?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, with a teacher and/or priest.
D. Yes, and I was "acting" in a porn film.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever get high in a police station?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, and I still can't recall why I was there in the first place.
D. Yes, and I was high for more than 24 hours.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever commit a crime while in handcuffs for (allegedly) having committed another crime?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, more than once.
D. Yes, and I was high.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Are you high now?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, on DMT.
D. Yes, on bath salts.
E. Yes, and I have just been shot.


If your score is ...

0 - 10 points: You are not and have never been a delinquent. You're also probably a good person. Be proud of yourself.

11 - 20 points: You're a fairly normal fan of rock music, despite modest delinquency, and intermittent douchebaggery. Be proud of yourself.

21-30 points: You are or were a delinquent. But since you cared (or were bored) enough to take this quiz, you can't be all that bad. Be proud of yourself.

31+ points: You are in prison, on parole, an ex-con, and/or an extremely fortunate SOB who should count your blessings every day. That said, be proud of yourself, since at least you are more or less literate, and have sufficient mastery of your faculties to take a quiz that requires basic addition skills as a component. But double-check your math all the same, and certainly before you COMMENT and be accused of lying about your obscene score.

Comments

bs915 Reply
bs915 Dammit, I'm a fairly normal fan of rock music.
Score: 0
becker_ross Reply
Wow. I only got a seven.
Score: 0
bolboy Reply
5 points! i am "not and have never been a delinquent"
Score: 0
standarsh Reply
standarsh Scored a 7 but about 5 of the points came from over 10 years ago.
Score: 0
markhood Reply
markhood Seven as well. Who hasn't run from the cops?
Score: 4
Ednaz Reply
Ednaz 7
Score: 0
ZapRowsdower Reply
ZapRowsdower 7 unless a preschool doesn't count as "school" for the sex question.
Score: 1
n00b100 Reply
n00b100 I scored a 2 and am now openly questioning what I've been doing with my life.
Score: 5
johnnyd Phish.net Staff Reply
johnnyd 7, and thats with a liberal interpretation on one of the answers.
I'm a helluva a guy.

Other than the first question, I think any answers of C, D, or E require a story.
Score: 1
paulj Reply
paulj Please define "House of Worship"...and "School" while you're at it.
Score: 0
GhostlikeSwayze Reply
GhostlikeSwayze 5
surprising score on the last question, good thing i checked .net before i got back from class
Score: 1
meetmeatdebar Reply
I'm a fairly normAl fan LOL 12 points
Score: 0
muggleballs Reply
muggleballs I got a 2. Trying to be proud of myself for probably being a good person/not being a delinquent & not totally embarrassed for being a nerd.
Score: 2
mccordo Reply
I'm a solid 5. Maybe could have been pushed to a 6, but 5 is the number I'm sticking with.
Score: 0
mfhgreyboy Reply
mfhgreyboy 11, my favorite number!
Score: 0
lizard Reply
lizard 9
Score: 0
flatbottomfrank Reply
flatbottomfrank 17 I got a public intox arrest once when I was on acid. I passed all their tests but they knew something wasn't right. Well I had more acid in my pockets, so being that I was cooperating and all they put the handcuffs on the front of my body. I took the acid out of my pocket and ate it while handcuffed. So I was high in jail, for over 24 hours, broke laws while handcuffed, and I started a fire in my cell by stuffing styrofoam cup over lightbulb. Other than that I think Im an alright guy.
Score: 36
rackham Reply
21... shame.
Score: 1
gratefulkeith Reply
gratefulkeith Wow im only a 6. I'm so dissilusioned with myself.
Score: 1
rackham Reply
I think I need to re-calculate these points... too high to do math properly this morning.
Score: 2
IamHIGHdrogen Reply
IamHIGHdrogen 6/7 - im a harmless rock Phan.
Score: 0
jonstolethings Reply
jonstolethings 3...guess I'm a straightedge
Score: 0
deBebbler Reply
deBebbler Scored a 4. Good person. YAY!
Score: 0
pauly Reply
pauly 4
Score: 0
Mr_Bathtub_Gin Reply
I scored a six, and I'm one of the oldest Phish fans around, at least age-wise, also, too.
Score: 0
NickSalv Reply
NickSalv 8 ... Maybe could've pushed to a 10 if I could remember every little thing over the past ten years, but I'm still doing alright regardless. Just trying to have fun and enjoy some great music! I'm quite surprised actually, but proud I'm not doing any harm to myself or others.

Great survey. And hilarious, choice E is the funniest response to almost any question you could have thrown in there
Score: 0
mattsox94 Reply
mattsox94 6. Guess I'm not the delinquent society thinks I am.
Score: 0
HarborSeal Reply
I got zero. Am I still allowed to attend Phish shows?
Score: 5
YorkvilleBeerLover Reply
YorkvilleBeerLover 11 - I'm normal and sometimes a douche - pretty much nail on the head
Score: 1
molefromtheministry Reply
zero points. I'm probably the squarest square on here.
Score: 2
dkast85 Reply
dkast85 5
Score: 0
cMags13 Reply
8
Score: 0
skud13 Reply
5 if a parking lot doesn't count as inside a house of worship. 6 if it does.
Score: 2
Icculus Phish.net Staff Reply
Icculus @HarborSeal said:
I got zero. Am I still allowed to attend Phish shows?
Yes, as the usher who asks aisle-dwellers to return to their seats. Seriously, though, your zero score qualifies you to become the first Phish fan President some day. However, your username qualifies you to be morbidly obese, smell like rotting fish, and shit on a dock all day.
Score: 11
ltbuilder7 Reply
9 Thanks .net for confirming that I was never a delinquent. Those Montana State troopers would probably disagree.
Score: 1
jtt122 Reply
only an 8. not to bad for a phishhead
Score: 0
jamrad Reply
jamrad 6
Score: 0
the_Crested_Hogchoker Reply
the_Crested_Hogchoker ...went blind drunk driving, July 5th 2007, Myrtle Beach, SC. A guy came up to me in a Friendly's restaurant and said "son, I realize you're young and having fun, and that's a good thing, but I've got half my eight year old's class at that table over there and not only have I've heard more F~words in the last half hour than I've heard in my entire life, but its also the loudest profanity I've ever heard come out of a human being, do you think you could hold off until we get out of here?" I ended blacking out on the beach and waking up to the tide touching my toes.
Score: 4
TomSawyer Reply
TomSawyer 12! That's not too bad...
Score: 0
RobesPierre Reply
12. I'm a bad ass. Or just a fairly normal fan of rock music.
Score: 0
Vaudvillain Reply
5! I am quite proud of myself today. I now know that I am contributing to society and not burdening it.
Score: 0
Vaudvillain Reply
@the_Crested_Hogchoker said:
...went blind drunk driving, July 5th 2007, Myrtle Beach, SC. A guy came up to me in a Friendly's restaurant and said "son, I realize you're young and having fun, and that's a good thing, but I've got half my eight year old's class at that table over there and not only have I've heard more F~words in the last half hour than I've heard in my entire life, but its also the loudest profanity I've ever heard come out of a human being, do you think you could hold off until we get out of here?" I ended blacking out on the beach and waking up to the tide touching my toes.
I live in and am from Myrtle Beach. Sounds like you had an everyday experience in Dirty Myrtle. I have had similiar experiences my whole life here. Come back and visit!
Score: 0
vtspeedy Reply
7, if school includes college. Because who didn't get laid in college? 6 otherwise. Just wasn't hip enough to have sex in my elementary school classroom.
Score: 0
dogman Reply
dogman 1...lol
Score: 0
Super_Sash Reply
Super_Sash FOR THE WIN!!!!!!

@flatbottomfrank said:
17 I got a public intox arrest once when I was on acid. I passed all their tests but they knew something wasn't right. Well I had more acid in my pockets, so being that I was cooperating and all they put the handcuffs on the front of my body. I took the acid out of my pocket and ate it while handcuffed. So I was high in jail, for over 24 hours, broke laws while handcuffed, and I started a fire in my cell by stuffing styrofoam cup over lightbulb. Other than that I think Im an alright guy.
Score: 0
HHCCCCAA Reply
Can't tell if I'm a 10 or 11 due to my inability to remember if I committed some minor crime while handcuffed. I'm on the cusp of being a good person or one that is occasionally a douche bag.
Score: 0
mikh2wg Reply
mikh2wg 7
Never before have so many been so normal.
Score: 0
DollarBill Reply
DollarBill 3 I am very lame...
Score: 1
sirhotpants Reply
sirhotpants Great googily moogily, I got a nine.
Score: 1
Phat_Tone Reply
Phat_Tone My score, a proud 15! I'm a fairly normal fan of rock music, despite my modest delinquency, and intermittent douchebaggery. I am proud of myself!!!
Score: 0
Skiphan Reply
2, and none of those are illegal points.
Score: 0
Fikus Reply
0. My Jiminy Cricket-ness is intact.
Score: 1
maddyb4me Reply
maddyb4me I received a score of 10... but If I a came back in 15 minutes- I would have to respond to that last question again with a different answer...
Score: 0
kipmat Reply
kipmat I scored a Character Zer0.

:adjusts usher uniform in mirror:
Score: 2
forbin1 Reply
forbin1 I got a 2..

::stamps nerd card::
Score: 2
aparisi Reply
7
Score: 0
DocEllis Reply
It was going to be 6 but I saw the last question and got the extra point because I wanted it. 7 baby!
Score: 0
spencur6 Reply
spencur6 3. Now I feel bad.
Score: 0
seth2112 Reply
seth2112 8
damn i wanted a b on the last q!!!
Score: 0
freerwilson Reply
freerwilson 17

would have only scored 11 if not for the question about committing a crime while in handcuffs for another crime. It's a good thing E was "shot" instead of "shot at" or I would have scored a lot higher. How close does a bullet have to be for you to hear the sound as it whistles by?
Score: 1
Fitz2001 Reply
Fitz2001 "C. Yes, with a teacher and/or priest." Yikes.
Score: 0
missblue75 Reply
missblue75 somewhere between 6 and 8 ... some of these answers are open to interpretation.
Score: 0
jezmundb69 Reply
jezmundb69 Wow...i scored a 60...I look like phuckin swiss cheese yo
Score: 0
harroldHOOD Reply
harroldHOOD 8 - I'm a good person. Glad I know now.
Score: 0
jerryguscia Reply
jerryguscia @n00b100 said:
I scored a 2 and am now openly questioning what I've been doing with my life.
I feel ya...I got a 1...
Score: 1
TheEmu Phish.net Staff Reply
TheEmu 7. It might be an 8, but there's no way for me to tell if I was blind or just passed out. I just realized suddenly I was halfway to Sioux City, IA.
Score: 0
RovingReporter Reply
RovingReporter 7, however I know I am a delinquent. This test does not reflect my terribleness in life.
Score: 0
aa612000 Reply
11........must be fooling myself thought for sure i would be a delinquent.......ready for the 30th anniversary year score could go up who knows
Score: 0
Martian_Monster Reply
Martian_Monster I'm a 5...but looking to bumb that up as my wife is a teacher...if you catch my drift!
Score: 0
muchado Reply
muchado 4 maybe 5
Score: 0
the_Crested_Hogchoker Reply
the_Crested_Hogchoker @Vaudvillain said:
@the_Crested_Hogchoker said:
...went blind drunk driving, July 5th 2007, Myrtle Beach, SC. A guy came up to me in a Friendly's restaurant and said "son, I realize you're young and having fun, and that's a good thing, but I've got half my eight year old's class at that table over there and not only have I've heard more F~words in the last half hour than I've heard in my entire life, but its also the loudest profanity I've ever heard come out of a human being, do you think you could hold off until we get out of here?" I ended blacking out on the beach and waking up to the tide touching my toes.
I live in and am from Myrtle Beach. Sounds like you had an everyday experience in Dirty Myrtle. I have had similiar experiences my whole life here. Come back and visit!
I used to live in Charleston and we would go up to Myrtle in the offseason and get ocean front rooms for like $35. They're used to having rowdy ass rednecks in there all summer, so they let you just absolutely destroy the place. My roomate threw a dude through a huge plate-glass window one time and they didn't even kick us out of the hotel. We fucking set fire works off the balconey once... damn I miss having Myrtle around. It gets a bad rap some times, but I always have a blast down there.

This is probably my favorite place to eat:

http://www.chuckssteakhousemb.com/
Score: 0
GrooveHolmes Reply
GrooveHolmes Wow lots of low scores. This is a pretty tame and law abiding board.

17 here. Some mild delinquency in my youth.
Score: 0
docgonzo1972 Reply
7 - A low score and not a delinquent, though I did puke on a cop. He was not happy.
Score: 0
colphorbin Reply
colphorbin 10. right on the edge of.... normal
Score: 0
TheHeads Reply
TheHeads 8, though if i had more access to bath salts, or my dealer wasn't such a bad shot with his .45, that score would be way higher.
Score: 0
TheHeads Reply
TheHeads girlfriend just scored a 16 though. so proud.
Score: 1
Herbdacious Reply
Herbdacious 21 nice, that's my age as well
Score: 1
krazygravy Reply
I got 0. It's funny just today a guy I was jamming with said I had to be pothead to be a phish fan. Not the first time I've heard that though lol.
Score: 0
lenuto46 Reply
10 on the nose... just dodged that one.
Score: 0
reggaewmn Reply
I got a nine ... Sad
Score: 0
caminlb Reply
caminlb 6...well maybe 7.
Score: 0
crookedman76 Reply
15: earned most of those points 10+ yrs ago though. Had a fun childhood in a college town...
Score: 0
whojhouse Reply
7 pts

Thank you for confirming that I am a good person!
Score: 0
whatstheuse324 Reply
whatstheuse324 9. And I am about to drink a #9 right now. Meant to be.
Score: 1
JemaJema Reply
JemaJema 7, sorry mom and dad
Score: 1
beach Reply
beach 10...I'm probably a good person!
Score: 0
FoamBlvd Reply
Got a 9 and I'm very proud to be a good person.
Score: 0
thelot Reply
thelot 6

i caused some trouble freshman year in high school, long before i discovered the phish.
Score: 0
maericks21 Reply
9 for me. 7 for the lady.
Score: 0
Bathtub_Ginny Reply
Bathtub_Ginny 6, and I have never felt so average in my life
Score: 1
Ouish Reply
Ouish I couldn't finish cause I got shot.
Score: 0
SaltyDog Reply
SaltyDog 14...but as others have said, most of the delinquency happened at least 10 years ago. The main thing that put me over the top were a couple arrests which left me praying to some higher power to just get me out of this situation...well that and the few times I've run from the cops. Only one was in a car and I got caught. It's soooooo much easier to run from the cops on foot (aaaahhhh the hell I used to raise on Goosey Night).
Score: 0
LongislandPhan Reply
LongislandPhan 7... average is a seven letter word
Score: 0
VWPhan Reply
7
Score: 0
phbalanced Reply
phbalanced 12 - and for all the wrong reasons....I'm sorry! I'm a productive member of society now though!
Score: 0
P_Phunk Reply
18 if you count being shot through the leg out side an um show in bridgeport, CT. With what I'm guessing was a pellet while smoking. Other than that mostly 2's. Been pretty delinquent but never got caught. Ha ha ha.
Score: 0
fhnsab Reply
5
Score: 0
emiliaselihu Reply
8...my phavorite number!!!
Score: 0
WordsFromASong Reply
WordsFromASong 6, most of which was before Phish
Score: 0
lysergic Reply
lysergic Fiver. I'm surprised I've never ran from the cops.
Score: 0

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